will it be better if..?

If i want to have a disease..
It would mean I wanna kill myself right?
Hmmmm...

Everybody always expecting a lot from me..
It's very tiring, sometimes..
really.. It was too hard..

when people were watching me, a broad smile would spread across my face..
only whenever people were not watching, then (I) did cry..
secretly went to a place n shed my tears.. nobody knows about it. nobody.

losing a father at 15 really was too hard for me.. but it seems like yesterday, he was playing with me..
life was hard..
(I) had to starve at school, so i can save some money for tomorrow..
mom wasn't employed, she had high blood pressure.
at that time, when she cried for the loss of my daddy, i was the 1 who comforted her..
rubbing her back and the pillow until my hands hurt..
my sisters weren't there, only me n my uncle..
but i don't really care, (I) only wanted her to be happy, instead of crying..
i cannot show to her that i am weak..
only after i walked out of the door, i ended up crying alone. nobody knows. nobody.

when my sister yelled at me because i was asking her for money to buy food, i cried alone..
only after that (I) went home,

(I) now always had that kind of mindset.. always have been taught of success..
(I) must be perfect for everyone, (I) cannot fail..
But what if i fail??

ahh..
I've been such a burden to everyone.. to mom n daddy.. to sister.. to frens..
will it be better if i didn't exist in their lives?